This past weekend, we hosted the family birthday party for all of the children who were born in August. My aunt was here as were my brother's family and my mom (from Oklahoma City!). Saturday afternoon was fun as the children chased each other from room to room, up and down the stairs, and played non-stop with balloons. (I could save a fortune on toys if I just gave them balloons.)
It was halfway through my mother's visit that I realized that I don't know how to take a compliment. She was telling me for the 10th time how much she loved our house. "It's so pretty and big," she gushed.
I heard myself reply with my automatic response, "It's not really ours mom. We're just renting it." When she said how attractive the woodwork was, I told her how it was nothing really special, all my neighbors have the identical trim in their homes and that 20% of the houses around here are the same floor plan.
The more she complimented me, the more I deflected it.
It wasn't just her. I did the same thing a few weeks ago when my sister-in-law and her children came to stay, steadfastly downplaying the neighborhood pool and the spaciousness of the house. (Which is big, so why can't I let her acknowledge it?)
When my aunt remarked on how polite the children were, and my mom complimented their behavior, I let it slide on past me as I said "Sure they're being good now, but just wait a few minutes." and then we all laughed.
I've been soul searching ever since. Why can't I take a compliment? What would be wrong with saying "thank you" and simply accepting their kind words? Why does that make me so uncomfortable? How is it that I can so readily accept nastiness from family members which would reduce most people to tears and yet a couple kind words make me want to hide?
I've made a resolution for this week (one at a time until it becomes habit) of simply saying "thank you" and not rebutting the nice things people say. It's okay for people to be kind. It's fine for them to be complimentary. It's not a bad thing for folks to be admiring of the things and the family we have worked so hard to achieve.
I was raised to not "put on airs" and put myself above anyone else. I lost count of how many times I was reminded that I was no better than anyone else so not to be stuck up. The result was that I can not accept a compliment for the kindness that it is and in the end, the people I end up being unkind to are the people in my house who deserve the praise. My husband has provided us with a lovely home. He works very hard so that we can live in this neighborhood with all the comforts which come with living here. My children are well behaved the vast majority of the time. They put a lot of effort into the way they act around other people. It is wrong of me to tear them down when someone notices what good jobs they are doing just because the praise makes me uncomfortable.
I just need to learn to be grateful, to other people for their kind words and to God for His many blessings; because the thing I've forgotten in my busy life is that these things are from Above and in not accepting their kind words I'm missing out on the opportunity to sing the praises of the One who made it all possible.
12 comments:
I went through this process as well, learning to just say, "Thank you" Which is what the compliment-giver will most like to hear :)
My daughter pointed that out to me the other day - saying something like "So I see where I get my tendency to not be able to accept compliments."
I have the same issue for the same reason! It's nice to have this for a reminder to just say 'thank you'
Very interesting.
I grew up in a family where snide remarks and laughing at other people's expense and competing to see who could deprecate others in the most witty fashion possible was THE way to relate to each other.
Especially, trying to discover what was really secretly important and precious to another person, so that you could openly mock it.
I still have a very hard time getting through a conversation without constant self-deprecation. It's how you protect yourself in that situation: you beat them to it. You put yourself down before they can.
I remember well one day, maybe three or four years after I got married to a nice man who did NOT come from such a family, when I was sitting across the breakfast table from my father-in-law. He complimented me about something, I replied unthinkingly with some kind of self-deprecatory remark, and he (who never raises his voice) barked at me: "I want you to stop doing that. I never want to hear you talk about yourself that way again. It's disrespectful to yourself, and it's disrespectful to my son. When you talk that way you call everybody a liar, all of us who love you and want to tell you something good about you."
I was so stunned all I could do is mumble an apology, but you bet I changed my tune after that, at least around him :-)
I used to deflect compliments all the time until years ago (when I was still a teen) someone told me that to not politely accept a compliment is to call the compliment giver a liar or imply they have poor taste.
Ditto.
Erin, thank you for sharing. I'd never heard it put that way before, but it is so true.
I still struggle with this even though I will not deflect the compliment. I think for me, I just feel so transparent. Like that person can see how thrilled I am about something, and then they point it out, and I feel like I've been found out? Like how dare I be happy about the good stuff in my life? Lol.
Well your love language is definitely not Words of Affirmation but it seems like your moms might be. You should definitely compliment her often, she will feel very loved by it.
When people talk abot how great the house is, if thank you is hard try "Isn't it? We're so grateful/blessed/happy/etc to be here." Complimenting those who took care of the place before you, and acknowledging the words of the other- which is what thank you does as well. It takes a long time to make thank you the automatic response. I;m still not that great at it, but at least it enters my head sometimes before the "What?, No.."
You have a beautiful blog (although I expect it to have an updated photo after the baby is born). You're welcome.
For a slightly different take on it....
Giving a compliment or a gift to someone isn't just a blessing to the receiver. It's also a blessing to the giver! In fact, the Bible itself tells us IT'S **MORE** BLESSED TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE.
So, when you're deflecting compliments, or turning down help, or whatever you are ALSO blocking that person's opportunity to have a blessing in their life through helping you.
I heard this from a pastor many years ago & it's stuck with me ever since. You can bet I got a lot better about not turning away blessings!
This is a beautiful post and a real lesson we all need to learn and remember. We're all taught to say thank you when we've been gifted something tangible, but a compliment is no less a gift.
I wasn't complimented often as a child and when I was, I always thought it was a "pity compliment" and so I never took it seriously. (Does that even make sense? Like when I got another horrible hair cut because I fell asleep with gum in my mouth and it ended up in my hair, someone would invariably say, "oh, don't worry...you look nice!") So being genuinely appreciative of someone's compliment as an adult has taken some effort to learn and remember.
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